Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

The Russians Control the Weather (sorta)

December 9, 2009 Leave a comment

One of my dad’s favorite stories about local culture is of a local preacher who was convinced of a number of conspiracy theories. These included a mass plot to round-up all civillians on 1/1/2000 (brought on by arrows painted on the road that turned out to be a bicycle race) and that man never landed on the moon. He also spoke of the Russians having a weather machine that would doom us all. Well, it turns out that he sort of right on that one. From the LA Times:

In the snow-hushed woods on Moscow’s northern edge, scientists are decades deep into research on bending the weather to their will. They’ve been at it since Soviet dictator Josef Stalin paused long enough in the throes of World War II to found an observatory dedicated to tampering with climatic inconveniences.

Since then, they’ve melted away fog, dissipated the radioactive fallout from Chernobyl and called down rains fierce enough to drown unborn locusts threatening the distant northeastern grasslands.

…..

In Russia, nobody rains on the parade — because the Russian government doesn’t allow it.

“Victory Day is the most sacred holiday for us,” says Bagrat Danilian, deputy chief of cloud seeding at the observatory. “When veterans go out to celebrate in Moscow, we create good weather for them.”

All it takes, he says, is sacks of cement — 500-grade, to be precise. Drop the powder down into the clouds, and they vanish.

A fascinating read, particularly for those growing weary of the winter weather that is gripping the Shenandoah Valley

And Now at Twice the Price!

P.J. O’Rourke writes about how paying twice has become an inescapable part of the modern welfare state, one that he feels will only grow under the Obama Administration. For example, public safety: 

At school, home, or work, the most important purpose of government is to protect your person and property. That’s what the police department is for. And you get to pay the police and pay for burglar alarms, private security patrols, and guard dogs, such as our family guard dog, Pinky-Wink. (For the information of any prospective robbers of the O’Rourke house, Pinky-Wink isn’t really a Mexican Hairless. He’s .  .  . um .  .  . a Rhodesian Ridgeback, weighing 100 .  .  . make that 150 .  .  . pounds. Uh, the kids named him. Stop yapping, Pinky-Wink.)

A must read, and something to laugh about while the bills just keep piling up.

A Trip to the White House Service Department

Reason Magazine speculates what auto maintenance and repairs might be like when master mechanic President Obama takes over the Big Three’s warrantees. 

Socks the Cat: 1989-2009

February 20, 2009 3 comments

Socks the Cat answering questions from the press on November 9th, 1994 following the Republican tidal wave in the midterm elections the day before. Socks had advised the DCCC on the use of animals in the Congressional campaigns

Socks the Cat, presidential pet and Democratic political consultant, died in Hollywood, Maryland at the age of 19. Socks had one of the longest tenures of presidential pets, but his term was not without controversy. Following Clinton’s re-election he was demoted to co-First Pet with Buddy the Dog, beginning a rift with the Clintons that Socks would carry to his grave. In 1998 was highly criticized for  scratching Tony Blair.

Socks began life in Little Rock Arkansas as the son of Fluffy and Roscoe on March 21st, 1989. He was the only surviving member of a litter of five, one of which was eaten by Fluffy and the others which met a variety of untimely fates, both canine and vehicular in nature. Roscoe was a poor provider and left the brood after he caught Fluffy with another tomcat. In 1990 Fluffy fell into an open sewer drain and was never seen again. At that point Socks was cast out into the streets of Little Rock, beginning a stretch of bad luck that would continue until Socks met the Clintons the following year. In his 2003 Memoir “My Tail,” Socks recounted that he suffered a serious battle with catnip addiction that continued well into his time in the White House.

While sleeping off a catnip binge in early 1991 on top of some bags of shredded paper in an alleyway behind Rose Law in Little Rock, the cat was spotted by firm’s security guards. However, they were unable to apprehend the frisky feline. The cat was later found by Chelsea Clinton at the home of her piano teacher. Chelsea took the cat home, beginning a personal and professional relationship with the Clintons that lasted until Socks was exiled from the family in 2001.

Socks is credited by some Clinton insiders as the inspiration behind the Clinton-Gore campaign’s core strategy  when in mid-1992 Socks pooped on Clinton’s draft paper on economic issues, leading adviser James Carville to exclaim “That’s ‘The Economy,’ stupid!” Following the 1992 campaign Socks followed the Clintons to the White House, but it was there that the relationship began to sour. After his call for a ban on semi-automatic waterers was misinterpreted by the White House policy team, Clinton began to lose popularity in many parts of the South when he signed the assault weapons ban in 1994. Following this incident Socks was sent to the DCCC to advise Congressional candidates on the use of animals in their campaigns. One of these candidates was Speaker Tom Foley, who lost his seat during the Republican tidal wave of 1994. After the campaign Socks returned to the White House and never consulted on another Democratic campaign, outside of his owner’s own re-election bid in 1996.

Some Clinton insiders credit Socks with the expulsion of consultant Dick Morris from the Clinton campaign when, unbeknownst to Morris, Socks hid under the bed during the consultant’s infamous liaison with a hooker. However, increasing tensions behind the scenes led to Sock’s demotion as chief White House pet in 1997, when the Clintons got Buddy the Dog. Socks took to intense week-long catnip binges around the streets of Washington, DC, at the end of which he would often be found in the lap of the Lincoln Memorial. In 1998 his behavior hit rock bottom when he scratched Prime Minister Tony Blair on December 13th, beginning a two-day stand off with the United Kingdom that was only halted with the launch of Operation Desert Fox against Iraq. Socks then spent a week at the Betty Ford Clinic, after which he never struggled with catnip addiction again.

In 2000 Socks asked to be assigned to Hillary Clinton’s Senate campaign but was rejected by the Clintons. This was the first signal of things to come, as in 2001 Socks would not follow the Clintons to New York, leading to a final split between the cat and the First couple. Socks began speaking out against the family and in his 2003 book shared many stories about Clinton’s liaison with Monica Lewinsky. In 2002 after Buddy the dog was suspiciously run over by a power company truck. Socks was investigated, but no charges were ever brought.

Following his time in the White House Socks began expressing increasingly conservative political views. In 2002 during the Little Rock Christmas parade he announced his support for the Invasion of Iraq. In 2004 during a rare public appearance with former White House Secretary Betty Currie Socks announced his intention to vote for George W. Bush in 2004, citing the President’s handling of the war on terror. In 2005 he briefly joined the campaign of Republican Jeanine Pirro in for U.S. Senate against Hillary Clinton but was fired when he ate a page of Pirro’s announcement speech, which led to an embarrassing gaffe where Pirro stumbled over her words for nearly a minute.

In 2008 Socks returned to Democratic politics but not to work for Clinton. Instead he endorsed Barack Obama, saying that as a black and white cat in America he was extremely pleased to see the beginning of racial reconciliation in America. Later in the year Socks was diagnosed with cancer and his public appearances became extremely rare. His final public appearance was to be a speech at the Democratic National Covention, but his speech was bumped when President Carter’s video went long, a final blow to America’s former first feline.

Socks had one final meeting with the Clintons in December of 2008 when it appeared that he would not recover for his cancer. He congratulated Hillary on her appointment as Secretary of State and made up with Bill, apologizing for any damage he caused during the White House years. Socks was euthanized this morning, attended by Mrs. Currie.

Socks the Cat’s funeral will be held at the National Cathedral Monday at 11 A.M. Vice-President Biden is expected to attend, as is Secretary of State Clinton. Socks has decided not to have full state honors; rather, his body will lie in state at ASPCA’s national headquarters

*In case you don’t have a funnybone, this is a work of satire. However, I always did think Socks was one good looking cat and my inspiration for getting my mother’s cat Maya when I was at UVA. Socks, you will be missed. 

Categories: History, In Memoriam Tags: , ,

The Snugulus

February 5, 2009 Leave a comment

From the Weekly Standard, a different idea for using your hard earned tax dollars to boost the economy: